Outside Counsel

Liesl Schillinger on Christmas mysteries: "There is so much we do not understand about Christmas. For instance, why do we sing "Oh bring us some figgy pudding" every December, when if anyone were to hand some to us, we wouldn't know what it was? (And when the song "Winter Wonderland" comes over the radio, babbling, "In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say: Are you married? We'll say: No man. But you can do the job/ When you're in town—" What does this even mean?)"

Ms. Schillinger is more interested in why some foods are associated with the holiday, but I find Christmas songs even more mysterious. The other day LCA and I were discussing "Jingle Bell Rock". I maintain that it is a song about a horse, but LCA argues that the Jingle Horse is at best an incidental character. There seems to be no way to resolve this issue. "Jingle Bell Rock" is only mildly annoying as Christmas songs go. Although I find "The Little Drummer Boy" excruciating, I cannot deny that it sounds like Handel's "Messiah" compared to "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" or the song about the Christmas shoes. Hell, the song about the shoes makes "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" sound like "Hark the Herold Angels Sing." I kinda like "Santa Baby", which I've thought of as a Unitarian hymn since I saw it performed by the shaman and two parishioners at A's church a few years ago. A was not in attendance, and denies that this could have happened, but it is nevertheless true. I'm not sure what I was doing there, but I know what I saw. Speaking of things people saw, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is inexcusable. I have been called to task for being critical of John Lennon in the past, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention that "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" fails to enhance my holiday mood. It has as its sole virtue the fact that it is superior to "Do They Know It's Christmas", which is not only lousy, but condescending as well.